Yesterday, a friend told me to keep up writing my blog, and I thought to myself- what the frick will I write about? I have nothing going on these days and my mind and thoughts feel flat as a squashed banana on the sidewalk. I’m in this weird, inexplicable mood. On the one hand, I’m feeling pretty emotionally stable, which is something I haven’t been able to say wholeheartedly since about two and a half years ago. So that’s good, I guess. But, on the other hand, I’m also feeling really bleh and personality-less. (By the way, before I forget, I must mention that I am sitting in this cool, hip, overpriced cafe while writing this post, and it’s making me feel pretty deep, I won’t lie. It’s just so…fancy and hipster of me.) Anywho, I feel good, I feel fine, but I feel like a big part of me is hiding, and my biggest fear is that it’s gone for good, although I keep telling myself that like any other mood, this one is fleeting. But deep down I don’t fully believe it. (Aside: there’s a really cute waiter that just arrived, and I’m really distracted. Focus, Ayala, focus!)
Anyway, this mood is really weird. People ask me how I’m doing, and I say that I’m good, because I objectively am: I’m not sad, I don’t cry regularly, I don’t contemplate the meaning of life constantly these days. I’m fine. I’m good. I do, I go, I work, I meet friends, I practice guitar and singing, I go to the gym, I’m healthy, my family’s fine. Baruch Hashem, bli ayin hara! But nonetheless, something in me is asleep. For example, my sense of humor, It’s gone somewhere and is showing no signs of return. I used to think I was funny and sarcastic, and great at “flowing” with people’s jokes, but I suddenly have no funny things to say and don’t laugh authentically often times. I also just generally don’t feel like I have what to give to a conversation except for listening. I can listen well, I’ll admit. I also really love listening. But I also miss feeling like I have what to share, as well.
Everything just seems a bit “okay”, and I miss things seeming exciting. (Ahh, so distracted by waiter). I don’t know if there’s something I can do about this because I am technically doing lots of things I want to and chose to do, and generally feel like I’m doing things as “right” as I can be now. I might just need to wait this out. I just wish I had some kind of guarantee that I’ll get back to “myself” soon. Ahh, what if this new state is my true self. Dang, I really hope not. 😶 (Oy, he has a wedding band. Of course he does. Story of my life.)
Oh, also, I stopped therapy about two weeks ago, so I’m wondering if that has anything to do with this bleh-ness. Maybe this sort-of numb state of being is some kind of subconscious defense mechanism that protects me from feeling strong feelings when I don’t have my weekly “space” to share and process what I’m going through. 🤔
So…I like to try and end these posts (when I’m not super depressed and self-loathing) with a positive take-away. So, maybe what I will try to do these days is this:
- Give myself time.
- Bask in the fact that I feel fine, which, considering the past two years, is not to be taken for granted.
- Take advantage of my current enlarged capacity to give and listen in order to be there as much as possible for the people in my life.
- Be open to letting things pull me out of this current state of personality-lessness when I am ready.
- Listen to myself, whether that means that for an entire week I will come home early and spend my evenings watching whatever weird shows “Netflix Israel” has to offer after I’ve already seen the few good ones, instead of going out. Sometimes you need to retreat in order to spring back in a more focused and precise way.
So, friends, hope this wasn’t too boring. Feel free to comment or spill feelings, or tell me how boring and not funny I’ve been lately, or whatever. 🙂
Have a lovely day!