Warning: this is going to be a slightly more glum-toned post than my earlier posts. Like my early early posts, before the depression and stuff. But ya know, I guess this stuff is part of current life, too. So here goes.
I feel like I’ve lost my voice lately. My external and internal voice alike. Something about me is not entirely me. I’m this much-more-calculated version of my prior self, and I’m not loving it. I’m fully functioning. I do things, I see people. On paper everything is fine. But something is missing.
I keep looking for things to fill that “something”. Maybe I’ll listen to more podcasts. Read “The Power of Now”. Write a gratitude journal (which is awesome, may I add). Go out with friends more. Read, period. But I’m starting to feel that the real cause of this lack I’m feeling is a result of numbing part of myself. Part of myself that I’m afraid of letting loose. Of giving it a voice, letting it show its true colors. This is the “lost voice” I was referring to. It’s almost as if I’m afraid that if I have feelings, show emotion, I’ll go back into dark places I’ve visited in the past and have difficulty coming out again. Afraid that putting myself out there, taking risks, and getting hurt or disappointed will take me back there and undo a year’s worth of therapy and lots of self-work. Now that I’m more emotionally stable, I’m afraid. I need to watch myself. At least that’s what I feel. But maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit.
I used to take risks. I used to hit on guys. (Sorry that the “guy” topic makes its way into so many of my posts- it takes up much more of my mind-space than I’d like it to) Okay, let’s be honest, I still do. But not nearly as frequently or with quite the amount of fervor as I had in the past. Maybe that’s because I’ve matured and become more realistic. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid to get my hopes up and be disappointed. I think it’s the latter. And along similar lines, part of this numbing of self is some weird and counterproductive way to be more likable among men, to finally find a mate. (Gosh, 27 feels so old.) Because if I’m cute, smile a bunch, and don’t say much, how bad can I screw things up? Maybe I’ll be more attractive to more people this way. But screw this! I just want to freaking be me again. It’s interesting how when I was in my less emotionally stable period, my “ups” were awesome and full of feeling. And now that I’m much more stable (baruch Hashem, I must add), I can’t feel as much. I want to freaking feel again! I want to get excited about things again. I want to feel the preciousness of friends and family and not be afraid of it. So screw trying to increase my likability. Screw minimizing myself. Screw putting pressure on myself to be more bla bla bla, and this and that and so on and so forth.
I don’t know who got this idea into my head that I haven’t succeeded and CANNOT rest until I find a husband. Well, actually, it’s probably a combination of people on Facebook getting engaged every two seconds, and my mom. But is it even true? NO. And even if it is, is it so bad if it only happens when I’m 30? Or even 35? Shouldn’t a soulmate be chosen when one has come a ways along in their quest for understanding and loving themselves? Wouldn’t that reap the best results in mate-choosing due to clarity of mind, self-confidence, and what not?
So here is my message to y’all/me. Just screw everything. Be the weirdest you (if it comes naturally, I aint sayin’ to fake it). I’m not sure what’s happening to my accent. Anywho, just be you. Find peace and calm inside, and try to be active from that place. Not from a place of fear. And don’t be complacent. And let that excitement be! Just let it! Big deal, you’ll be disappointed here and there. Big whoop. You’ll get over it!
And with that, have a great night!